Joel M Bradshaw

3Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, 4and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”–Luke 17

It’s very tempting to picture forgiveness as an unconditional matter. I will admit, it does sound noble to always simply forgive without any back and forth beforehand. But, I think Jesus described here key relationship transactions to forgiveness instead.

This means that if you are the wronged party that you need to confront the other of his sin against you. A spouse can’t simply be frustrated and bitter against the other. Loving confrontation gives opportunity for repentance. And if you have been rebuked it gives you an opportunity to prayerfully consider what you have done. Humble repentance gives opportunity for forgiveness.

I journeyed with a married couple who were stuck. He was constantly making mistakes and aggravating his wife. She was struggling with bitterness. We had to have this transaction:

1. Wife lovingly confronts husband on sin.
2. Husband reflects on his actions.
3. Husband humbly seeks forgiveness from his wife.
4. Wife forgives husband from her heart.

Now imagine that happens over and over. It might sound frustrating, but matters are brought into the open rather than staying in the bitter shadows. The ones who have been sinned against are taken seriously and the ones who have done the sinning can own things and address them. Both parties play an active role in the process and see resolution. Peace is pursued rather than avoided. The one forgiving never again brings what is forgiven up to the self, to others, or to the one forgiven. It has been biblically dealt with. The best forgiveness in relationships is transactional.–JMB